The Winds Of Change

I feel like all my life has been since coming to school is change, change, and more change!!

As I've been preparing for the "next big thing" in my life as of late, and perhaps the biggest change yet, I've been feeling very reflective on my life, my goals, my hopes and dreams, and my purpose on this Earth.

I have made such outstanding friendships here at school and have realized so many dreams of mine! While I feel like I've gained so much, I've also been knocked down a ton. As I've been considering my next step, I have felt more unprepared than ever before!! Everything I thought I wanted somehow seems trivial and inapplicable. It's as if I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. Is this normal??

However, rather than rant about everything I'm unsure about, I want to tell you what I know.

I know that I have a loving Father in Heaven who always looks after me. He knows me better than anyone else. He knows every feeling of my heart. He knows my hopes and dreams. He knows what makes me tick. He knows what knocks me down. 

I know that I have time. The future will come when it comes. What is happening now in my life is what's most important. I know I have to live more in the now. Que sera, sera. Life is to be enjoyed. So I don't have it all figured out right now, big deal! **Those of you who know me will know this is a big deal for me. I am the planner of all planners and always have to have it all together.** Life will work out. I am young. I have time to figure things out.

I know that I am held accountable for my choices and actions, but that ultimately my life is just that, mine. I am a huge people pleaser and that seems to cause more stress than good. Ultimately, what I do is up to me. I cannot please everyone.

I know that when I serve my fellow men I am serving my Father in Heaven. As I serve those around me I am happy and I know I am doing God's work. As big as my concerns are, they become minuscule when I take a step back and help others. 

I know that everyone I meet is fighting their own hard battle. In fact, this is probably the number one thing I know. Everyone I meet has something that is hard for them, something that is testing them, something that is shaking their confidence. Everyone I know has weaknesses and insecurities. Everyone I know is affected by this life in their own way. I know that I can do better at being understanding.

In just a few short days I'm leaving this beautiful place that I've spent the last 8+ months calling home. I've developed myself here. I've made friendships and built relationships that have enriched my life in innumerable ways. I am beyond thrilled to be heading back home to the place I grew up, I'm thrilled to see my family and old friends, and I'm thrilled to carry on with the next chapter of my life. However, my heart aches for the closing of this chapter of my life. It has been hard, frustrating, rewarding, and extraordinary. As I've been reflecting on all I've learned I am in awe of how blessed I've been. I have fallen flat on my face more times than I can count, but I've jumped up, dusted off, and overcome adversity more times than that. I know that the future is bright and that God is mindful of me. I will always look fondly on my time here and am eager to see what the future holds. Life is beautiful and so full of grand adventures. I am beyond happy to be embarking on a new one. To this lovely little town of mine, I'll see you in two! To all my amazing friends here, "See you when I see you."

Have You Heard About Perfectionism?

So, recently I read this article. As I read along, I realized that Rebecca made some very very valid points. I started realizing something.

I'm kind of a perfectionist.

Now, I've never professed to be better than anyone else, but I have held myself to a standard of perfection. Let me explain:

I don't for one minute believe I am perfect or can be perfect. However, I have always believed that nothing I do is good enough unless it is, more or less, perfect. In school I wanted perfect grades, perfect scores, perfect assignments, perfect opinions. I wanted to be my best self physically, emotionally, and mentally. Now in some ways, these are not such bad things, but the level I took them was too far! 

I was so focused on being my best self that I didn't focus on anything else. I didn't put a whole lot of focus on friendships or other relationships. I spent a lot of time studying, exercising, practicing, etc. Whenever it seemed a friendship went south, I would tell myself, "That's okay, this just gives you more time to focus on school and family."

Now let me tell you what this has led to.

Last semester I got in a rodeo accident. As a result of this accident, I lost 2 weeks of my memory (which has never come back) and missed a week of school .You did that math right, 3 WEEKS of academic knowledge lost. I was devastated and began frantically playing catch-up. Unfortunately, I was soon faced with the decision to stay in school and fail a class or two (resulting in the loss of a scholarship I had worked all through school to earn) or medically defer the semester and keep it all. In my mind that translated to dropping out of school which then translated to failure. I felt my hands were tied and I'd just have to defer, so I did. 

Now, here's where things get interesting. Maybe that's the wrong word to use. Here's where things get rough. In the following weeks I swear I slid into a depression. Never had I felt so low or like such a screw-up. I felt that all I had worked for had been flushed down the toilet. I felt alone, angry, discouraged, and forgotten. My appetite seemed to disappear, I wasn't sleeping, things were bad. All I felt was ashamed, like I'd let everyone down. 

Now, here's the thing. I had put SO much stock into the perfect grades, the perfect school record, the perfect experience that I had cheated myself of the feeling of failure.

Let me tell you something I've learned about failure.

It makes the world go round. I want you to watch this video:

In my religion we are taught that we must taste of the bitter before we can taste the sweet. I have learned this! I felt bad, I felt that the situation sucked, but I needed to learn humility and a little failure so I could bounce back feeling happy and motivated. 

Over the break between semesters I went back to my hometown for the Holidays. The night before it was time for me to come back to school, I was talking to my mom about feeling intimidated. I told her, on the verge of tears, that I was afraid I'd fail again. I told her that I was gun-shy and afraid that I would mess everything up again like last semester. She got extremely stern, and told me I was never to say I failed.

At the time, I still felt that I had done just that, and no one could understand how I felt. 

I am here to say that I had to taste the bitter before I could taste the sweet. As this semester has begun, I have never felt so driven. Something has changed inside me. I am not trying to be perfect. I'm not trying to have it all, or be it all. Rather, I am doing the very best I can. So far, my classes have all gone smoothly. I've gained friendships that are going to last and I've gotten involved in programs that will allow me to share my talents and be apart of something great. 

Most importantly, I've learned to let myself go and give myself a break. When something doesn't go just so, I know it'll all be okay. I'm better prepared to deal with the "failures" as they come. I know that I can do anything! I don't have to be a perfectionist. I don't have to drive myself mad with stress over everything being just right. Life is to be enjoyed. Success comes to those with passion and drive, who take challenges as they come. Success does not come automatically to those who were always perfect at everything. If anything, I now am grateful for the experiences I had last semester because they've made me into a more humble, kind, patient person. I know that as I've overcome those feelings of loneliness and discouragement with the help of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I have become stronger. 

Life's not perfect. We will be given trials that will push us to the edge. Heck, they may push us over the edge. The most important thing is that we climb back out. 

My daddy shared a quote with me when I was younger and I've never forgotten it:

"Two Men in jail look out from the bars.

One sees mud, the other sees stars."

I used to think that rhyme was only about having a good attitude. Now I see that something got those men put in jail, but they now have the power to act and make the most of their situation. May we all allow ourselves to see the stars!!

Finally, I wanted to share a song that I have absolutely fallen in love with.

May you all keep sailing, no matter what life dishes out. And more than that may all you perfectionists out there allow yourself to enjoy! Take a step back and live a little before you wake up and realize that you've been too uptight to notice all you've missed. I'm speaking from experience here: perfect is highly overrated. I will never stop pushing myself to improve, but I have stopped beating myself up when things aren't absolutely perfect all the time. Be your best self, but don't lose yourself in the process.